Say that to a gal in a bar and be prepared to wear a martini or at least receive a slap in the face – unless its a Kardashian or one of those chicks from Jersey Shore in which case you’ll be married in a week or so.
Tell that to a female opponent playing Scrabble and even though you still might get slapped, she could take it as a compliment!
Hi! My name is ScrabbleGuy and I’m about to share my patented sure-fire top-secret method for… picking up chicks! You can go ahead and cancel your membership at match.com and eharmony because the following story is not only 100% guaranteed to work – it’s also true!
Real quick, before I spill the beans – I have been playing Scrabble since 1983-and the following experiences all really happened… and they can happen to you, too!
Albuquerque, NM, fall of 1983. After a few weeks of immersing myself into the game I started to hold my own. One night, a girl that I’d recently met wanted to play me – and wanted to make it “interesting”. She suggested that we play a game of strip Scrabble. That idea, (although intriguing) immediately presented a few problems.
First of all, how the heck do you play strip Scrabble? Second, even tho’ she was cute and sweet I doubted that she could even spell Scrabble. (Sorry, couldn’t resist) And, as in any “strip” game, winning is really losing, so I did the only decent thing. I cheated!
I must’ve had three or four plays for 40 points or more on my rack, guaranteed winners, only to play “cat” or “dog” just to keep it close. I’m not sure who won – I don’t even think we made it very far…
The next chapter took place in 1991. I was teaching at a junior college in Washington – I was 35 years old – and still looked more like Johnny Depp than my current Danny DeVi-to. I had attempted to start a Scrabble Club on campus – I’d put out the word and such, but received zero interest. It seemed that although the 18-19-20 year olds had games on their minds, they didn’t involve words.
One Friday afternoon I received a call from Anne. Anne wasn’t a student in my class but she was an actress and had been in a production that I had directed the band for.
“Hey ScrabbleGuy (you don’t think I’m going to use my REAL name, do you?) – this is Anne; you know, from the play?” Anne was about 5’8, blonde and made Dolly Parton look like Nichole Richie.
“If you’re not doing anything tonight, why don’t you come over – I heard that you are a Scrabble expert and I’d love for you to teach me how to play!” Whoa! How cool that a young buxom blond 19 year old gal wanted to expand her intellectual horizons – this tru-ly was a tribute to the hunger and thirst of today’s youth to raise up and make something of themselves! (Just keep telling yourself that, ScrabbleDude…)
So, NAIVELY I headed on over to her place. I arrived at her front door, a bottle of wine in one hand and a Scrabble Board in the other. Yes, I really DID bring a Scrabble board. The wine was for me – after all, she wasn’t 21 yet! She greeted me in a see-thru black lacy top, black push up bra (she didn’t need any pushin’ up) almost non-existent jeans shorts and black hose. Damn, it was Daisy friggin’ Duke on steroids. I think I dropped the Scrabble board – the letters spilling out to form the words “get out of there as fast as you can, she will eat you alive.”
We sat down, chatted, drank some wine and after a while, with what common sense that I had left announced that it was late and I should be getting home. I did… the next morning. But first – we had some Scrabble to play. Folks-let me hit the pause button here – isn’t it obvious by now? Chicks dig smart dudes! Intellectual geeks! Nerds! You still have a chance!
OK – one final story in case you still don’t believe me. Sunday night, 8pm early January 1994. Riiiiinnnngggggg.
– Hey Bob, it’s Angi. From class.
– Hey Ang – what’s going on?
– Oh, not much – just kinda bored and well, I know that you like to play Scrabble and well, I’m kinda good – why don’t I come over and we can play a game or two?
She did – and stayed for about two years. I lied – I’ve got one final story – here it is… the last one, I promise.
In 2003 I was living in Vegas selling real estate and playing bass for a local headliner. We had a gig on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. One night, late, we went to the bar for a nightcap. A lady, approximately my age came up to the bar and we engaged in some small talk. I finished my wine and said my goodnight’s.
The next evening, at not such a late hour we went back to the same lounge. This time, it was packed and so we stood at the bar. A couple of minutes later the same lady from the night before came up and said, “Hi ScrabbleBassMan, hey, I’d like you to meet my family.”
Sure I said, and I followed her to a table. “I’d like you to meet my mother”, she said, as I shook hands with a nice elderly lady. Next, I was introduced to her aunt – I can’t remem-ber her name. Finally, she said, this is my daughter Katie. Her daughter Katie. I still weep at the memory.
Katie was a beautiful brunette gal with dimples and a gorgeous smile – think Katie Holmes meets Drew Barrymore. They invited me to sit with them, and so for the next while we enjoyed conversation, wine, a little bit of schtick – I invited them to come see our show, which was the following evening.
Well, as always seems to happen – don’t ask me why, but… Scrabble made its way into the conversation – crazy! Scrabble! Katie immediately jumped up in excitement – HEY! They have a game room and I was in there earlier and they have a Scrabble game – let’s play!
Gee, Katie, I said – that might not be a good idea – I used to play at a high level and I don’t wanna be a jerk… NO! It’ll be fun, she insisted, besides, I’m really good! How do you argue with that? I didn’t, and so we bid adieux to her posse – her mom gave her blessing and so it must’ve been OK.
We ended up in the deserted game room and sure enough, we played Scrabble – until I was up by a few hundred and Katie had a better idea – let’s go to the disco and dance!
NO! I’ll just end this story with the fact that we never made it to the disco.
I’m done. Have you cancelled your match.com & eharmony accounts yet? “But Scrab-bleGuy, I’m a total n00b Scrabbleplayer. How am I supposed to use my Scrabble skills to meet women when I up until I read this thought I was doing great when I laid words like ‘cat’ and ‘dog’?” you say. Fear not, there are awesome scrabble helpers available for your perusal. You can even get full board scrabble help, where all the best Scrabble plays are shown to you for any given board.
Scrabble… it’s much more than a word game