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Chicken Pizza Crust: America’s Latest Food Innovation

by Joseph
Chicken Pizza Crust

Chicken Pizza Crust

Once again it behooves me to make a reference to George Costanza’s stint as a Tyson Chicken employee, and once again I’m appalled and horrified at the American food industry for the same reason. The Washington Post recently reported on something called, I kid you not, chicken pizza crust, and it must be stopped by any means necessary.

Chicken pizza crust is, essentially, processed canned chicken that has been flattened out into dough on which to apply sauce, cheese, and other pizza toppings. As the same paper that exposed the Watergate scandal put it:

“Think about the inside of a chicken nugget – the spongy, beige part that could have come from one or 100 chickens. Roll it out to pizza size. Think about what it would be like without the crispy, salty, fried part of the chicken nugget, and that’s what a chicken pizza crust is like. It’s a slightly rubbery disc of meat with pizza toppings, or stuffed with Mexican red sauce and ground beef.”

Shockingly, chicken pizza crust is legal in all 50 states and in most parts of the world, and the Real Good Food Co. even sells frozen chicken crust pizzas in case you’re too lazy or disgusted to knead that dough yourself. May God have mercy on us all.


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