12 Crazy Cosmetic Surgical Procedures Men Are Actually Getting

by: Esteban On  Thursday, August 8, 2013

cosmetic plastic surgery for men

Hey, remember when plastic surgery was just for Hollywood types and bored socialites? Well, not any more. Regular folk have been getting plastic surgery for years, and now it seems the biggest emerging market in the biz is men. And I’m not just talking about men getting “regular” things done, like nose jobs, face lifts, or botox. I’m talking about men getting some seriously crazy elective surgical procedures that will give you goosebumps.

Interested in hearing exactly what kinds of crazy procedures I’m talking about? Then step right this way…

 

12. Liposuction

12 neck liposuction - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Liposuction is a common procedure, so it’s easy to just think it’s no big deal. But let’s take a moment to remember what actually happens in liposuction. Namely, a doctor shoves a long suction wand in a hole in your skin, then uses it to peel that skin away from the fat and suck said fat out. It’s kind of messed up. So the fact that men are getting this procedure more and more, and in new areas like the neck…well, that’s a serious shift in cosmetic surgery trends.

 

11. Implants

11 pec implants - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Oh that’s right. Implants aren’t just for the ladies any more. Guys who are either unable or simply too lazy to build muscle mass the old fashioned way (weight training) are just saying, “to hell with it, I’ll just fork over $5,000 and get pec implants.”

Seriously, pectoral implants. And calf implants, too.

 

10. Butt Enhancement

10 man with no butt - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Another major problem men are finding with their bodies these days? Lack of rear end volume. As men age, they naturally lose fat in many parts of the body, and some start to miss the way they used to fill out their jeans. So now some men are either getting butt implants, or they are having fat from one part of their body relocated to their backside.

I’m actually not even sure which is more insane.

 

9. Abdominal Etching

9 abdominal etching - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Speaking of things that are absolutely insane, the next procedure on our list is something called “abdominal etching.” This is basically precision liposuction that removed just the right amount of fat between your individual abdominal muscles to give the illusion of a six pack.

Yes, that’s right, it is ridiculous. It’s also not easy to get right. A good doctor will only perform the procedure if you have just the right amount of belly fat—not too much, not too little. However, a less good doctor will be like, oh, sure, it’ll look great. But you won’t. You’ll just have a lumpy beer belly.

 

8. Chest Hair Implants

8 chest hair implants - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Apparently we’re now moving away from the hairless trend we saw in the 90s and early 00s, because men are now elected to get hair transplants on their chests. You know, like bald men sometimes get on their scalps. A few years ago this would have been unthinkable, but apparently women are coming to their senses and realizing that hairless men, like hairless cats, are weird.

In any case, there is one obvious problem with this procedure: where does that new hair come from?

 

7. Mustache Implants

7 mustache implants - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Now here is a procedure I would totally get if (a) I couldn’t grow a sweet mustache, (b) I had an extra $5,000 lying around, and (c) I didn’t hate pain.

Mustaches are awesome, and every man should have the opportunity to feel what it’s like to have one that commands respect as soon as you walk in the room.

Of course, just as with chest hair implants, one has to wonder where the extra lip hair is going to come from. My imagination is running wild here, and I don’t like it.

 

6. Voice Deepening

6 vioce deepening - crazy plastic surgeries for men

The procedure to deepen a voice was developed to help transgendered women (i.e., women who identify as men) make a more convincing shift into manhood. However, now even some of your regular, biological dudes are having the procedure to lower their unfortunately high-pitched voices and sound more “manly.”

Since a deep voice is produced by larger vocal cords (think of the strings on a guitar), this involves injecting fat into the cords in order to beef them up…which sounds pretty horrifying, right James Earl Jones?

 

5. Armpit Botox

5 armpit botox - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Botox is normally used to paralyze your face so that it can’t show emotion—or wrinkles. However, somewhere along the line some genius realized, hey, botox paralyzes sweat glands, too! So now people are paralyzing the sweat glands in their armpits so that they don’t get pit stains.

Obviously, this is absurd. Unless you’re one of those people who can’t think about walking up a flight of stairs without sweating buckets, don’t do this. You’re supposed to sweat. It’s the way God or evolution (take your pick) made us.

 

4. Breast Reduction

4 jack nicholson man boobs - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Okay, you know, this one actually makes sense. If you have a voluptuous set of manboobs, whether because you’ve just let yourself go or because you suffer from gynecomastia, I say yes, get them removed.

Still, there is a part of me that just can’t believe that this is a thing.

 

3. Penis Enlargement

3 penis englargment surgery - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Ever since the invention of electronic mail, men have been obsessed with lengthening their penises.

Okay, fine. Men were probably obsessed with lengthening their penises long before they got emails about the “E Z Peen Enhancer.” However, I do think that all the emails have made men more likely to consider taking drastic actions.

Now, there really is no surgical procedure that can reliably produce a longer penis. As one doctor told WebMD, “if I knew of a way to safely and effectively increase penis size, I’d be a billionaire,” which is absolutely true. However, that hasn’t stopped men from seeking surgical enhancement, and that hasn’t stopped unscrupulous doctors from taking their money. Recently a Delaware man decided to sue his urologist after a procedure place a manually inflatable shaft inside his penis malfunctioned and left him with an erection that lasted for eight months.

The lesson? Guys, just work with what ya got.

2. Scrotum Reduction

2 wesley warren giant scrotum - crazy plastic surgeries for men

Sadly, not everyone having scrotum reduction surgery suffers from scrotum elephantiasis like poor Wesley Warren here. Some guys have clinically normal sized scrotums that they just think are too big. So they have surgery to reduce them.

As for Mr. Warren, this guy obviously needed the procedure. Sadly, it left him with a one-inch penis.

(Here’s a fun topic of discussion for the bar this weekend: if you have to choose between having a one-inch penis or a 160-pound scrotum, which would you prefer?)

 

1. Laser Testicle Wrinkle Removal

1 ball ironing (two bowling balls) - crazy plastic surgeries for men

George Clooney, aka God’s gift to gorgeous women, made headlines in recent years for joking about having a “ball ironing” procedure. Little did he know—or did he!—that such a procedure actually exists. And it’s not just for ironing out the wrinkles, either. By zapping your scrotum with a laser they tighten the skin and remove hair and blemishes.

Intrigued? Well, if you live near Santa Monica, you can get this procedure performed by Jamie Sherril, RN, for just $575.

At that low price, can you really afford not to get your balls zapped by lasers?

 





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